Tag Archives: tea party

2 sides to every story

There are two sides to every story, or so the conventional wisdom goes. And if you watch or read or listen to my colleagues for any length of time, you’d think that was exactly true.

But the second side to that story — that there are always two sides — is that there rarely is. Most of the time, there are multiple sides to every story, and sometimes — more often than you’d think — there really is just one.

For example, when TeaPublicans started clamoring about “death panels” in the health care reform bill, my colleagues dutifully reported it. And then they dutifully pitted a TeaPublican up against a Democrat to argue the point. Presto, two sides to the story. But you and I know there is just one side to that story — the TeaPublicans lied because there are no death panels.

Shirley Sherrod — there’s another one. One side. Shirley Sherrod told an inspiring story aimed at getting people to see they needed to get over their own racism. The rest of it? Bullshit, pure and simple. In her very nuanced tale — and we all know how nuance goes over in the black and white world of the TeaPublicans — Sherrod admitted that there is racism in the black community, otherwise why would she need to tell a story about overcoming her own?

That’s not something you see among the TeaPublicans. Nope. They busy denying the very existence of racism in their movement. All those signs and hurled epithets, they say, are from infiltrators trying to give them a bad name. According to them, not one single person in the movement is opposed to Barack Obama because of the color of his skin. It’s just his policies. That’s why they have to lie about the policies, y’know. Because they can’t argue rationally about the policies and programs and bill and such on their own merit, and they can’t admit to any racism. Lying is all that’s left. Socialism! Death panels! Fascism!

Yeah, they get confused too, because you can’t be a socialist and a fascist at the same time, no matter that the Nazis had socialist in their name. There’s a difference between socialists and national socialists, you see, but the TeaPublicans are fixated on that word “socialist,” probably because it contain the word “social,” which reminds them of the contract with “society” that we all have that they don’t want to honor.

Whew, that’s a buncha sides. Over in Europe, and a lot of other places, they understand that idea. But here in America all we’ve got are Republicans and traitors. All those other parties — the Green Party and such — they’re big liberal jokes, because only conservatives can have more than one party and still be serious in politics.

The conservatives are stuck in a really rigid dualism with absolutely no room for the slightest variation. Marriage must be between a man and a woman. The United States is a Christian nation. Republicans must vote “no” on every bill Obama and the Democrats put forward.

And the really funny thing is, if you put any stock into such things, that the source of their dualism is written right into the bible. It is. In Genesis. That whole eating the apple thing. This serpent tells Adam and Eve that if they go ahead and eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil that they’ll be like god and that that’s why god doesn’t want them to do that — he’s threatened by the idea of humans having knowledge of the difference between good and evil. So they eat, but there was one thing that the serpent failed to mention: Puny little humans just aren’t capable to understanding the world the way god can. Trapped in physical bodies on a physical earth, they just can’t see anywhere near enough of the big picture to comprehend the nuance involved in detecting the sometimes minute differences between good and evil. God wasn’t threatened at all — he just knew what would happen, what did happen.

Humans who bought into this monotheistic thing think they know what god wants. They arrogantly believe that they know what’s right and what’s wrong for everyone in the world. Dualism. Black and white, right and wrong, good and evil. Two sides to every story. Oh, how wrong they are.

And right there it is in that book they swear was inspired by god, despite all the contradictions and just plain ugliness. Humans ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, but, without the ability to see the universe from god’s perspective, they had nothing more than a perverted sense of right and wrong, and they went about applying to everyone because their arrogance told them that they and only they knew the way.

Sad, isn’t it? For millennia, these folks have tortured and killed and imprisoned their way around the planet, convinced of their own righteousness even though the bible they claim as the word of god tells them plainly they don’t have a clue. How many millions have died and suffered because of this?

And it still goes on today — I’m right, you’re wrong. Two sides. No room for variation.

If I were of their ideology, I’d be scared shitless, wondering just when god is gonna have enough and wipe this place clean to start again.

That’s the other side to the biblical story of creation — that the monotheists got it wrong, and we’re stuck with the ramifications.

But I don’t share that ideology, although it does seem to me there’s a bit of truth in the idea that the god followers blinded themselves to the great variety that is this life on earth. I sure see very little evidence these days that they have any comprehension at all that two sides is just too limiting.

If you have a choice to make, and the choice is between two things, you really don’t have much of a choice. You have a dilemma.

What the Tea Party doesn’t want you to know

For the most part, the Tea Party presents itself as just a bunch of regular people who are sick and tired of big government and taxes. Never mind, of course, that they pay the lowest taxes in the world, practically, and their idea of big government is government doing anything for anybody except them. Because, you know, everybody else is just lazy scumbuckets who ought to be getting off their lazy asses and going back to Africa getting to work.

They’re not Republicans, they say, although their votes and policies give the lie to that, and they’re only interested in the economic state of our nation, not any of that social stuff. Because government has no business in that.

Unless, of course, it has anything to do with things they don’t like, you know, like welfare, or abortion, or those godawful fucking queers.

And therein is the Big Lie of the Tea Party, the thing they don’t want you to know.

Remember the Moral Majority, Jerry Falwell’s big religious right drive? That, of course, fueled the whole Christian right thing that created about 75 percent of the political division we’re dealing with now. But then we went and elected a Democrat president, which, of course, blocked those totalitarian wanna-be dictators out of the White House.

The horror! I’m sure they couldn’t quite decide which was worse, that the president was a Democrat or that he was black, but regardless, they had to do something different. And the whole damn country was pretty sick and tired of their pathetic attempts to turn the United States into the Iran of Christianity, so they shifted gears.

You may have noticed there was no Tea Party before Barack Obama became president, which kinda gives lie to their insistence that it’s really all about big government, etc., since big government didn’t bother them when George W. “Do you miss me yet?” Bush was president.

No, it’s not big government at all. It’s just the Moral Majority reconstituted into something they think will be more acceptable. And it’s working pretty good since we haven’t really seemed to notice.

The Tea Republican Party candidate for Senate in Nevada, Sharron Angle — running against Harry Reid — nearly blew their cover before she stopped talking to any media that wouldn’t let her raise money for her campaign during the interview. She even tried to cleanse her website of any tell-tale signs, but she forgot that on the internet, you live forever.

So, when she told a Christian interviewer that “entitlement programs (are) built to make government our God,” she really let the cat out of the bag, almost as much as she did when she said that abortion shouldn’t even be allowed for women who have been raped or are the victims of incest because, well, you just don’t know what god has planned for you and when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, or some other such nonsense.

Wanna see the whole quote about entitlement programs — you know, the social safety net programs that sane people expect government to provide? Here it is:

And these programs that you mentioned — that Obama has going with Reid and Pelosi pushing them forward — are all entitlement programs built to make government our God. And that’s really what’s happening in this country, is a violation of the First Commandment. We have become a country entrenched in idolatry, and that idolatry is the dependency upon our government. We’re supposed to depend upon God for our protection and our provision and for our daily bread, not for our government.

Oh yeah. If we lose our jobs because of the Republican-caused economic crisis, or if we lose our house because of the Republican-backed bank fraud, or if we can’t afford insurance because Republicans blocked the public option, don’t worry. God will provide.

Reminds me of a story I heard once. This fellow we’ll call Bill, he lived in this little town by the river. And as it so often happens when you live by a river, the damn thing flooded. The town called on everyone to evacuate, because it was gonna be a bad one. But Bill stayed. “God will take care of me,” he said. He said the same thing to the nice police officer who came to door warning him that his house was gonna get hit hard. And when the water started rising up onto his porch, he told the same thing to the neighbor in the canoe who offered to paddle him to safety. He went to the second floor when the water came into the house, and shouted out the window, to the rescue team in the motor boat, that he wasn’t worried because he believed in god and that god would provide. And when the water came up to the second floor, he fled to roof, where a rescue helicopter hovered overhead while he told them to go and help people who needed it because he knew god was gonna take care of him. And when the water topped his roof, Bill drowned.

Because he was a good Christian and all, Bill naturally went to heaven, where he sought out god, because he didn’t understand why the deity would have let him die like that. “God,” he said, “I’ve been a strong believer all my life. My faith never waivered. Why did you forsake me?” God just looked at him like he was completely nuts. After a few seconds, he spoke. “Bill, I sent you a police officer, a canoe, a motor boat and a helicopter. What did you want, an engraved invitation?”

Sharron Angle wouldn’t like the punchline to that story, no doubt. She’d say that god intended for Bill to drown because he had better things in store for him, although what that might be in the act of dying, I’m sure I don’t know. And I doubt she does either.

But the point of all this is what Digby pointed out Friday– that Sharron Angle and many of her Tea Party friends are taking their cues straight from a dangerous religious cult called Christian Reconstructionism, which seeks bring the United States under biblical law — and Old Testament biblical law at that.

The Las Vegas Sun hasn’t been afraid to point that out.

Many of Angle’s religious and political beliefs appear to align with the tenets of Christian Reconstructionism. She’s supported eliminating Social Security and Medicare, is a home schooling champion, sees the separation of church and state as an unconstitutional doctrine that was never meant to protect the state from religious belief, and believes public policy should support the traditional family structure as defined in the Bible.

She also helped resurrect the Nevada affiliate of a national party founded by a prominent Christian Reconstructionist and has raised campaign money from reconstructionists.

Christian Reconstructionists often refer to themselves just as “biblical Christians,” although what other kind of Christians that might differentiate themselves from I can’t imagine. They’re big into home schooling, want to eliminate nearly all the Cabinet positions and shrink the ones they leave behind. Particularly Treasury — the IRS is a particular target, since taxes are unconstitutional, they say, and unbiblical.

That’s where they intersect with libertarians like Ron and Rand Paul. But they also intersect with white supremacist groups, militias and end-timers.

As Digby says, most of the Tea Partiers probably aren’t conscious of any of that, and some of ’em would probably be appalled. But not all. And “leaders” like Sharron Angle are probably well aware of it.

They’re just hoping you and I don’t catch on, and especially that my colleagues don’t catch on. It’d be a dirty shame if America found out what these people really have in store.

It’s my hope that we do, before it’s too late.

The images accompanying this post originally appeared at Tea Party Jesus.

Calling bullshit

I’ve been laughing for two days. That conservative nimrod Andrew Breitbart and the PR wing of the Teapublicans, Fox News, got caught with their pants down on this Shirley Sherrod thing.

They ran with an edited video, a specialty of Breitbart’s, and then, alluva sudden, it turned out their “interpretation” of the edits was spectacularly wrong.

Of course, the NAACP and the Obama administration get black marks for this too. In typical, knee-jerk, liberal fashion, they caved to the great conserverati and blasted poor Shirley to kingdom come. Cost her her job, one she was imminently qualified for.

Ben Jealous, the NAACP president — to his credit — called Sherrod and apologized. The Obama administration? Well, the president agrees with his Agriculture Secretary’s boneheaded decision to force Sherrod out, proving once and for all that it is led by the nose by the conservati.

Here’s the thing: what Sherrod was doing in that video was having the conversation about race that we all need to be having. The one the administration can’t be bothered with, and the one the conservarati don’t think is necessary. Unless you’re a minority. White people, of course, are just the poor, downtrodden victims of the liberal drive to destroy the true American (read white) culture.

Honestly, man, there is no white culture, unless you count collecting guns and whining that they pay too much taxes in a country with one of the lowest tax rates in the world. Just about everything else about white “culture” came from somewhere else, somebody else, some other culture.

But this is not rocket science. The conservarati and their deluded followers would have us believe there is no racism anywhere. They’d have to be trying to convince us of that if they have the gall to say there’s no racism in the Tea Party.

That’s why Breitbart and Fox are after the NAACP, pretty much the same way they went after ACORN and killed it (although every investigation exonerated ACORN and we learned that Breitbart’s pimp video was bullshit too).

They’re all pissed off because the NAACP passed a resolution (which, incidentally, won’t be completely official until and unless its board passes it in October) that condemned racist elements in the Tea Party and called on its leaders to do so as well.

As usual, the conservarati lied about what the resolution said, thus creating a false controversy that my colleagues have dutifully kept in the spotlight. Contrary to what you may have heard, the NAACP did not call the Tea Party racist. It simply pointed out racist elements, you know, like the Tea Partiers who carry big posters of the president with a bone through his nose.

I’m beginning to believe, though, that these throwbacks to the Jim Crow era may really believe that the things they do and say aren’t racist. Take Tea Party Express spokesman Mark Williams and his ridiculously stupid “letter” from Jealous to Abe Lincoln, in which he has Jealous complaining that emancipation means the “coloreds” actually have to work to get their wide screen TVs in every room.

Williams thought he was being cute. But he was really just being a jackass. And now this Sherrod thing — damn, even RedState’s Erick Erickson says it’s a load of crap.

But not the president. He’s behind AgSec Tom Vilsack and his uninformed decision to have his people force Sherrod to resign.

Chalk up another wasted opportunity. Here’s what Sherrod was doing. In her speech, one she’s actually delivered several times, she talks about the first time she had to work with a white farmer who was in danger of losing his farm. Now, Shirley and her husband Charles are also farmers, and back in the 1960s, they joined with a bunch of other black farmers to create a land trust called New Communities to help black farmers do what they do — farming. So Sherrod had a lot of experience, several decades worth, helping black farmers in rural area (in her case Georgia) deal with the institutional racism that kept them from getting the help they needed and that white farmers and corporations got all the time.

But one day 24 years ago, she was assigned to a white farmer, Roger Spooner. In her speech, she talks honestly about her own racism — and how it nearly derailed her efforts to help the Spooners. But she wised up and got them the help they needed, saving the farm.

What she’s doing in this speech is using personal experience to teach about changing attitudes, about stepping outside ourselves and looking at a much larger picture, in this case, once that included a white farmer in rural Georgia. It’s called a “teaching moment,” and Shirley Sherrod uses that moment well.

But then come the racists who don’t think they are, bound and determined to soil the NAACP and wrecking Shirley Sherrod’s career in the process. “This isn’t about Shirley Sherrod,” whined Breitbart on CNN.

Yeah, it is, Andy, you fucker. You made it about her by presenting what she was doing in a way you damn well knew was wrong. But that didn’t stop you, because you have made it your life’s goal to obliterate humanity from the United States of America. What a pitiful, despicable goal that is.

And how much better you’d be — we’d all be — if you realized this was another teaching moment, one in which you’d learn something.

But he won’t. None of those assholes will. Erickson, while admitting Breitbart had screwed up, nevertheless defended what the jackass was trying to do — prove that black people are racists too and that those aforementioned poor, downtrodden white people are constantly being called racist simply because they are angry that black people get all the breaks.

Like hell.

Here’s what I’m hoping for — I’m hoping that my colleagues finally get it this time that we need to be calling bullshit on this crap. We cannot continue to give these fools precious airtime to spread their vicious lies, and it doesn’t matter if they’re self-styled conservative website publishers like Breitbart, batshit insane congresscritters like Michelle Bachman or Fox Fucking News, which has been beating the racism drum for months now with no one daring to call them on it.

That needs to be all over. Conservatives have good ideas. But they don’t bother with that. Instead they instill fear and loathing in the populace by promoting complete distortions like the tale of Shirley Sherrod. It’s time my colleagues let go of the idea they have to present “both sides” to be fair. When one side believes completely insane things, you’re not being fair. You’re stupidly elevating insanity to the level of reason.

This country used to know that. But since my colleagues have, for the most part, abandoned their obligation to get to the truth and tell that out of some fear of offending the lunatics, very few of us know it now. Instead, when we turn on the television or read a newspaper we hear Jon Kyl, the other crazy senator from Arizona (what is it with that state anyway?) saying that cutting taxes for the rich isn’t spending money so it’s OK if that increases the deficit that the conservarati are absolutely apoplectic about if it has anything about helping people who need help.

I am so fucking sick of hearing the talking heads blather on with their spin-laden talking points on every goddamn cable television show. They don’t say a damn thing that means anything, and yet, there they are, again and again and again and again.

And Shirley Sherrod lost her job. But it’s not about her. It’s about killing real freedom and hitting the knees of this country with iron bars.

Oh, right. It’s the people we should be concerned with. The white people. Particularly the rich ones. And they must be Christian, and no gays allowed.

Shirley isn’t one of the “real” Americans, you know. She’s just a lazy black woman who’s worked her whole live for justice and learned somewhere along the way that justice for all really means all.

That’s something the conservati can’t accept. Damn them for it. They need to get their heads out of their own asses and live up to their (for now) false creed of being “for the people.”

The truth won’t set you free if you don’t believe it

Here’s why even the truth won’t stop the insanity: Despite empirical evidence, in black and white, on paper, in your bank account even, Faux News tells America that there were no tax cuts from the Obama administration.

And since the teabaggers and their ilk get their news from Faux News — and believe every word — that’s what they believe and what they will believe. And there’s nothing we can do about it.

I know, we’re all pretty convinced that we’re right too. But at least we have the paperwork to back it up. All they’ve got is … Glenn Beck. Well,  Beck and any number of other pundits, anchors, reporters and experts Faux News puts on.

Take the Obama birth certificate issue. The president has released his official, certified, raised seal and all birth certificate. But the birthers won’t acknowledge it and keep demanding that he do something he’s already done.

I’m sure you’ve all read about the NYTimes poll about the Tea Partiers. Turns out they’re mostly white, male, over 45, upper middle class and decently educated. In other words, Republicans.

Now it’s true that they’re a tad more, shall we say, extreme in their conservatism than my colleagues try to present. But really, all that makes them is the Moral Majority from the 1970s, only in 18th Century costumes.

And significantly more violent in their rhetoric. But hey, what’s a little violence between real Americans and their mortal enemies?

But that white, male, over 45, upper middle class, decently educated thing got me thinking. It’s awfully easy to think of the teabaggers as uneducated rubes when they show up with their misspelled signs insisting that things that are demonstrably false are actually true. They’re not ignorant at all. Or rather, they are willfully ignorant, ignorant because they want to be. Amanda Marcotte:

Calling the tea baggers “populist” is something conservative pundits do just to confuse the issue.  And it works, because even though tea baggers are, in reality, highly privileged people who are motivated by a mean urge to sneer at and beat down the people they think are beneath them, they also come across as giant fucking morons.  Which they are!  But alas, the problem has nothing to do with lack of education.  They have plenty of degrees and access to learning.  But you can lead a horse to water, you know?

No, tea baggers believe stupid shit because they want to.  It’s willful ignorance.  They spin outrageous theories because they know that the naked truth about what they believe would make them look like giant bigots and big meanies.  So, instead of saying, “I don’t want health care reform because I like a system where poor people are shut out because that means I don’t have to see them in my doctor’s office,” they start yelling about the slide into socialism.  Instead of saying, “I’m an incredibly selfish person who wants to keep my government-funded Medicare, but I don’t want to see that single mom down the street get health insurance because she’s a slut and I want to see her suffer,” they say that Obama’s trying to take their Medicare and that’s socialism.  They’re not confused because they were badly educated and don’t have a grasp on critical thinking.  In fact, I think a lot of us would be surprised to find that the person hollering ignorant shit about Obama’s birth certificate often turns around and is highly competent at a job that requires the cognitive skills they don’t bring to their politics.  They’re willfully ignorant, and this distinction should never be forgotten when trying to understand them.

And maybe pretending to ignorant rubes is part of the plan. Whenever some conservative wanders over to AWOP and then goes back to his or her home blog to tell what horrible things we say about them, the next thing we get is a slew of comments complaining about how unfair it is for us to characterize them as ignorant rubes — when we haven’t done anything of the sort.

I call ’em crazy lunatics, sure. And after seeing the results of this most recent poll, that should be pretty obvious. But maybe, just maybe, bitching about us doing something we’re not doing is just typical conservative misdirection. Kinda like claiming there are death panels in the health care bill, or Bill O’Reilly saying that nobody on Faux News ever said that you could go to jail for not buying health insurance when video shows that happened many times, including Glenn Beck saying it on O’Reilly’s own show.

What I don’t understand sometimes, though, is whether these folks who spread the lies really believe them or if they just know that if they say it, the crazies will believe it, and then it’s just mission accomplished.

Either way, these folks seriously miss the irony of their insanity, like bitching about government takeover of health care and socialism and all while threatening an armed revolution if anything should happen to their Medicare.

Or like some guy named Don Suber (I might be wrong about that surname — I’ve already lost the link) who commented on Obama’s ordering the Department of Health and Human Services to make it so that we queer folk are allowed to visit our partners in hospitals.

I am curious, when did he become in charge of who may or may not visit you in the hospital?

Don, when did anybody other than the hospitalized person become in charge of making that decision? And yet …

Morons. They’re just morons.

White lies

Just for fun, as the Tea Baggers and their Southern state governors attempt to rewhite history, I thought I’d look up the declarations of the causes of secession put out by the Southern states that formed the confederacy back in the 1860s. First up, Georgia.

The people of Georgia having dissolved their political connection with the Government of the United States of America, present to their confederates and the world the causes which have led to the separation. For the last ten years we have had numerous and serious causes of complaint against our non-slave-holding confederate States with reference to the subject of African slavery. They have endeavored to weaken our security, to disturb our domestic peace and tranquility, and persistently refused to comply with their express constitutional obligations to us in reference to that property, and by the use of their power in the Federal Government have striven to deprive us of an equal enjoyment of the common Territories of the Republic.

These are the very first words of the declaration, and, right off the bat, they talk about their problems with “non-slaveholding confederate states” on “the subject of African slavery.”

Now, since Georgia was, and in many ways still is, a slave state, I’m betting their problems had to do with the growing humane consciousness of states that didn’t feel compelled to force other living breathing humans to work their asses off in cotton fields.

Also notice the reference to slaves as “that property.” Good one, Georgia. And pretty much the entire document is about slavery. Look it up, teabag idiots. Sonny Perdue, you’re a moron.

Next, let’s look at Mississippi, the state of Gov. Haley Barbour, who recently said all the liberal whining about southern states celebrating Confederate History Month with no mention of slavery doesn’t “amount to diddly.”

Well, governor, it seems your predecessors didn’t agree. The second paragraph of Mississippi’s declaration of causes for secession.

Our position is thoroughly identified with the institution of slavery– the greatest material interest of the world. Its labor supplies the product which constitutes by far the largest and most important portions of commerce of the earth. These products are peculiar to the climate verging on the tropical regions, and by an imperious law of nature, none but the black race can bear exposure to the tropical sun. These products have become necessities of the world, and a blow at slavery is a blow at commerce and civilization. That blow has been long aimed at the institution, and was at the point of reaching its consummation. There was no choice left us but submission to the mandates of abolition, or a dissolution of the Union, whose principles had been subverted to work out our ruin.

“Our position is thoroughly identified with the institution of slavery.” Damn. Can’t get much more clear than that. Get this – Mississippi didn’t like it that the federal government “advocates negro equality, socially and politically” or that it had nullified the Fugitive Slave Laws or that it “denies the right of property in slaves.”

Well. Read it and weep, silly teabaggers and confederate apologists. Haley Barbour, you, too, are a moron. And an unconscionable bigot.

South Carolina – now, this may be where the numbskulls of our country have gotten confused. The first part of South Carolina’s declaration is a largely incoherent recitation of the history of the Revolutionary War, focusing on George III’s recognition of the colonies as “free, sovereign and independent states” and how some of the states have now reneged on their duties to support the other states no matter what vile and disgusting thing they do. But keep reading, because there it is. The Fugitive Slave Laws.

Those States have assumed the right of deciding upon the propriety of our domestic institutions; and have denied the rights of property established in fifteen of the States and recognized by the Constitution; they have denounced as sinful the institution of slavery; they have permitted open establishment among them of societies, whose avowed object is to disturb the peace and to eloign the property of the citizens of other States. They have encouraged and assisted thousands of our slaves to leave their homes; and those who remain, have been incited by emissaries, books and pictures to servile insurrection.

“Encouraged and assisted thousands of our slaves to leave their homes.” Their homes. Right. And there’s that “property” thing again. This is Mark Sanford’s state, soon to be Andre Bauer’s state. Both are assholes.

Number 4, the great state of Texas, which at the time of its secession, had only been a state for 16 years. But right away, there’s all that talk about “slave-holding states” and “non-slave-holding states.”

In all the non-slave-holding States, in violation of that good faith and comity which should exist between entirely distinct nations, the people have formed themselves into a great sectional party, now strong enough in numbers to control the affairs of each of those States, based upon an unnatural feeling of hostility to these Southern States and their beneficent and patriarchal system of African slavery, proclaiming the debasing doctrine of equality of all men, irrespective of race or color– a doctrine at war with nature, in opposition to the experience of mankind, and in violation of the plainest revelations of Divine Law. They demand the abolition of negro slavery throughout the confederacy, the recognition of political equality between the white and negro races, and avow their determination to press on their crusade against us, so long as a negro slave remains in these States.

Here’s my favorite part, which deserves to be repeated: “…  beneficent and patriarchal system of African slavery, proclaiming the debasing doctrine of equality of all men, irrespective of race or color — a doctrine at war with nature, in opposition to the experience of mankind, and in violation of the plainest revelations of Divine Law.”

So, no luck there. Four Southern states, four seceding because of slavery. Rick Perry, you’re a jackass. Why don’t you go pull the switch and execute a few more innocent people?

I pulled this next item from the official Alabama ordinance of secession, not quite the same as a declaration of causes, but interesting nonetheless.

Whereas, the election of Abraham Lincoln and Hannibal Hamlin to the offices of president and vice-president of the United States of America, by a sectional party, avowedly hostile to the domestic institutions and to the peace and security of the people of the State of Alabama, preceded by many and dangerous infractions of the constitution of the United States by many of the States and people of the Northern section, is a political wrong of so insulting and menacing a character as to justify the people of the State of Alabama in the adoption of prompt and decided measures for their future peace and security.

Key phrase here is the declaration that the then Republican Party was “hostile to the domestic institutions and to the peace and security of the people in the State of Alabama.” “Domestic institutions” – just a euphemism for slavery, my friends.

And furthermore, said the good people of Alabama

And as it is the desire and purpose of the people of Alabama to meet the slaveholding States of the South, who may approve such purpose, in order to frame a provisional as well as permanent Government upon the principles of the Constitution of the United States,

Y’know, it’s probably these ordinances that the modern day slave-holders use to justify their “belief,” if by belief you mean outright lie, that the Civil War wasn’t about slavery. These official documents — short and sweet — were designed only to declare that the referenced state hereby withdrew from the union, and as such, most didn’t mention slavery. But some couldn’t resist even then, like Alabama, and, well, Virginia, which started this modern day kerfluffle.

The people of Virginia in their ratification of the Constitution of the United States of America, adopted by them in convention on the twenty-fifth day of June, in the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and eighty-eight, having declared that the powers granted under said Constitution were derived from the people of the United States and might be resumed whensoever the same should be perverted to their injury and oppression, and the Federal Government having perverted said powers not only to the injury of the people of Virginia, but to the oppression of the Southern slave-holding States:

So there, Gov. McDonnell.

Arkansas declared that remaining in the union “would be disgraceful and ruinous to the State of Arkansas.” Tennessee, which initially voted not to secede but changed its mind when the slave-holders of the western part of the state pointed out to the more ration rest of the state that they might have trouble getting their products to the great trade route of the Mississippi River, waived “any expression of opinion as to the abstract doctrine of secession” but seceded anyway. Missouri and Kentucky essentially declared the federal government evil. And West Virginia, well, it seceded from Virginia and rejoined the union. Because of slavery, as in, West Virginians really didn’t play that, kinda like the rest of Appalachia, essentially slaves themselves because of the abject poverty of the area.

As it is today, the whole thing was about money. Free labor makes for big profits. And once free slave labor was illegal, those bigots used every trick in the book to keep workers as low as they could — and they still do, through union-busting, opposing any real reforms that would help the American people and conniving to separate the rest of us of any money we might have to line their own filthy pockets.

Y’know, there’s one thing about those old bigots of the South that I admire, something that we sure as hell can’t say about their modern day, teabagging counterparts.

The Southerners of the 19th Century were at least honest about their reasons for being so angry and so anti-America. Quite unlike their 21st Century brethren, who know their real hearts are dark and hateful and do their damndest to convince the rest of us that what is so plain to our eyes just isn’t true.

But they’re liars. And one thing they do have in common with their slaveholding ancestors is this: They don’t care one whit about anyone who isn’t just like them, but they will do and say anything to keep us from the truth.

Bachmann Palin Overdrive

I know you’re going to be disappointed. But I just can’t help it. I have seen the light. I know the truth. It hurts, but it’s there in plain bright kleig lights.

I have become a Teabagger.

No, seriously. A Tea Party Teabagger.

How did this happen, you may ask?

Well, I’ve been watching The Most Trusted Name In News, and I’ve seen it all there. The real truth. From the Best Political Team On Television.

Erick Erickson, for example — the newest member of the BPTOT — he’s been very convincing in John King’s living room set. Well, actually, John King is in the living room set. Erickson is on via satellite feed, presumably from Atlanta, World Headquarters of The Most Trusted Name In News.

But even better is reading Erickson’s site, Red State. He cleaned up all his Tweets, you know, so CNN would hire him. So you can’t find him calling David Souter a “child-molesting goat-fucker” — although cracks about “ugly feminists” turned up as recently as February — and until now you couldn’t find him suggesting we go beat our congresscritters to a bloody pulp. But I guess he figured that was OK, cuz it’s back.

At what point do the people tell the politicians to go to hell? At what point do they get off the couch, march down to their state legislator’s house, pull him outside, and beat him to a bloody pulp for being an idiot?

“Bloody pulp” seems to be a favorite phrase at Red State, by the way. Searching for that phrase found two pages of links, plus the “similar links omitted” standard, including a reference to beating “Obama’s ass to a bloody pulp” and a suggestion that Sarah Palin should beat Levi Johnston “to a bloody pulp.”

I would suggest getting a little more creative with the terminology, but what else are you gonna do with idiot Democrats and lying liberals? They won’t listen to reason.

Reason, you know, like Obama was born in Kenya. Or somewhere. Just not the United States. He needs to show us his birth certificate, and not that official one from Hawaii that he showed to FactCheck.org. We know that one’s fake because Hawaii is in on the cover-up. And also not that fake generator one from the Internet. Hell, I’ve got a birth certificate from that one that shows I was born in Kenya.

And I agree with Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, you know. All this brouhaha about Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell dissing slavery as any kind of important issue, it don’t amount to diddly. Everybody knows blacks are better off because of slavery. Without that, they might still be in Zimbabwe living under Robert Mugabe. Or they might have died in the Rwandan genocide. Or they might be dead from malaria because the pansy-assed Democrats over here banned DDT, which does a damn good job of killing those pesky mosquitos.

And besides, TMTNIN had on Mr. H.K. Edgerton, a black confederate re-enactor, who said it’s a tragedy the way America won’t let the South’s side get told and it’s just not true that if the South had won the War of Northern Aggression then blacks would have it even worse than they did today. And de-segregation was  a Northern plot to further demonize the South, which was filled with good, honorable men.

And Candy Crowley is right. The left and the right have gone overboard with their violent rhetoric. A teachers’ union — a fucking teachers’ union! — is praying for the death of New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie.

Dear Lord this year you have taken away my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite singer, Michael Jackson, and my favorite salesman, Billy Mays. I just wanted to let you know that Chris Christie is my favorite governor.

Now, the liberals say that’s just a joke. But boy howdy when we say something is just a joke, they get their panties all in a wad and say we can’t just spit out something, like, say, John Edwards is a fag, and then call it a joke. I’m sure that Rev. Wiley Drake, who said that Dr. George Tiller’s murder is the answer to his prayers and that he’s also praying for the deaths of “B. Hussein Obama” and most other Democrats as well, is just joking too. Jeez, liberals. Lighten up.

And man, I was so wrong about Sarah Palin. I retract every evil thing I said about her when I wrote “Why I Hate Sarah Palin.” What could I have been thinking? She’s obviously for the little guy, like me, and would make a damn good president. She has more experience that Barry Obama, for sure. And hosting that clips show in Fox is gonna give her even more experience. She’ll hear from all kinds of powerful people who’ll speak about what’s good and right in America, although she already knows all that already.

That’s one thing CNN is missing. Sure, they’ve got Erick Erickson, but Fox has Sarah. Maybe they could give a show to Michelle Bachmann? I mean, it was sure cool when she jumped out at that State of the Union address and gave GW Bush a big sloppy one on National TV.

Speaking of which, she’d make a great vice-president for President Sarah Palin, doncha think?  I mean, whatta team. They could make Tom Tancredo secretary of Homeland Security and John Bolton secretary of State, Tom Delay could be secretary of the Treasury and Dick Cheney could head up the CIA AND the FBI. Wow. That would be so super.

And if Sarah gets tired of the $400K salary, well, Michelle will be ready to step in.

I can see it now.

Palin 2012/Bachman 2013.

So, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but they don’t call me The Most Twisted Name In News for nothing.